From the moment I started running, or attempting to run, I wanted to look like a runner.
When I was overweight and starting to run, I was afraid of running outside. I didn’t want people driving by, see me and judge. I didn’t want them to think or know I was only pretending to be a runner so I could lose weight.
Once I started to lose weight I was still afraid of runs, outside and inside.
The gym treadmill in college was a nightmare. In front of the row of treadmills were glass windows over looking the indoor basketball courts and the 8-laps-to-a-mile track. Behind the treadmills were the weight machines. This meant that someone working out could be looking at your butt and cellulite the whole time you ran. I’m fairly certain that no one was looking at or cared about either, but when you are self-conscious and anxious these are the thoughts in your head. You were on display whether you liked it or not.
My fear of outdoor running was heightened by hecklers. I to this day STILL do not understand why people feel the need to comment or yell things at runners.
I have this mind, that I love and hate all at the same time. It makes me unable to forget many things, especially hurtful ones. Hurtful comments from unknown hecklers made me doubt whether running was worth it. Maybe I was meant for a life of obesity. {I was not obese but many of the women in my dads family are – so I have always viewed it as in my genes} Who was I kidding attempting to get in to a sport “later” in life? There are athletes and girls who are fit and maybe just maybe I wasn’t born to be either of them.
When I started training for my first marathon – I knew in my heart I WAS a runner but I still didn’t feel like I looked like one. I had graduated from college and had a job – I could finally afford to buy more than Ramen noodles and mac and cheese. I bought myself some printed split shorts. Those flowers and those splits represented what a runner looked like to me. They wore silly clothing because it allowed them to move freely on the run. I worked on my abs, so I could eventually run shirtless. Runners ran with out shirts in my eyes, only those pretending to be runners, those who were trying to lose weight, ran with shirts. Right? I bought a water bottle belt, not only because I needed water on my runs but because marathon runners wore those things on long runs, and I wanted to look like them. I bought Gu’s and energy bars galore, because that is what I saw runners doing. If I had an energy bar in my hand when I was in normal non running clothing – I looked like a runner – right?
It has taken me many years and many runs to realize that it’s not clothing that makes the girl. It’s not the speed at which she runs. It’s not how little or how much body fat she has. It’s not the Garmin she wears or the running shoes she buys. What makes the girl a runner are the thoughts inside her. Does she think she is a runner? Well then she is.
You are what you want to be. If you want to be a runner you are. If you want to look like a runner and are a runner, well then you are what a runner looks like.
This morning on my run I again thought about this – I don’t like it when I have to run slower on easy days. I want to look like a runner.
It was dark out, I only passed one runner and there were only a few cars on the roads, YET I found myself worried about what people would think of me if they saw me running a slower pace.
Writing this post almost makes me laugh. Really Dorothy? As if anyone could tell what pace you were running? And even if they could and judged what you looked like and thought you weren’t a *real* runner – who cares? Do I judge slower runners? Nope.
At age 31 I am still working through the emotions of life and being a girl. One day I am confident, the next day I am not. It’s all a process for me and it’s one I’m not embarrassed to admit. I work every single day on bettering myself emotionally, physically and spiritually. Some days I move forward two steps, other days I move backward three steps despite my efforts. THIS is what life is about. We learn, we grow, we fall, we get back up again, we run.
If you want to look like a runner, look in the mirror. Do you run? Well then, you already look like a runner. A runner looks like YOU.
