I’m ok but not okay, if you know what I mean.
I haven’t used the “d” word because I just don’t like it. I don’t want to be someone who is getting divorced. No one walks down the aisle (I didn’t walk down an aisle which in hindsight makes me laugh a little) thinking that their marriage is going to end. If you thought it was going to end, why would you even let it begin. Yeah, yeah the better to have loved and lost thing, and yeah I get that but I’m also a bit bitter and jaded and all that jazz, so maybe better to have not loved and not lost is sort of how I feel right now.
So yes, I’m getting divorced but I’d like that to not define who I am as a person. I’d like to just be me going forward, only this me doesn’t have rules I never signed up for. This me doesn’t have to fake smiling on the outside when I’m not smiling on the inside. This me says, yeah I cried on my run today and I had a hard time breathing because it felt like a full on panic attack.
I could say oh yeah I’m fine every time someone asks me are you okay, but sometimes I’m not fine. I think it’s okay to both be OK and NOT OK at the same time. In this season of life I’m giving myself grace and letting myself feel the emotions that bubble up rather than stuff them down.
I spent a good portion of yesterday crying, which sucks because I had my kids and I don’t like crying around them, but for the most part I shut my bedroom door and just let myself cry and then would pull myself right back together again and return to mom life. Today that feels silly. Today crying is laughable, well other than when I ran in to a friend at Target and started crying while talking to her BUT my point is that I don’t feel the need to fake it anymore. I’m going to cry and that’s okay. I’m going to feel on top of the world and that too is okay. I’m going to do things that people tell me not to do or advise against and that is also ok, because this is MY life now and I don’t have to live it for anyone other than myself and my kids.
So yes, I’m okay….thanks for checking on me. Welcome to the real me.